This is the time of year when many people naturally reflect on the past year and make their resolutions for the upcoming year. There is that feeling of getting a fresh start with the new year…a clean slate. Eat healthier, exercise more, manage stress, take a trip—all of these are among the top resolutions made each year.

While the New Year is a new beginning to a certain degree, it brings up an interesting question: How do we also let go of past regrets for things we cannot change? We’ve spoken with a number of elders who note this very challenge of coming to terms with things in their past and letting go of regrets. While in one’s later years this challenge can seem more profound, I think it is something people of all ages struggle with. How can we let go of our regrets?

I recently came across a great resource that provides different perspectives on avoiding regrets as well as a number of other interesting topics including values to live by, not getting bogged down by worry and stress, compassionate living, and aging well. It is called the Legacy Project and is the result of practical advice collected from over 1500 older Americans who have lived through extraordinary experiences and historical events. They offer tips on surviving and thriving despite the challenges we all encounter.

The Legacy Project began in 2004 by Dr. Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University, and Professor of Gerontology in Medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. Using a number of different methods, Dr. Pillemer’s research team systematically gathered from elders responses to the question: “What are the most important lessons you have learned over the course of your life?” Videos and entries are available on the Legacy Project website and in a recently published book on the project, 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans.

In the “avoiding regrets” topic Paul, 71, comments that he believes we’re too hard on ourselves when it comes to regrets:

What I know now is I made some mistakes in life, I have some regrets. I think we all do. But I’ve learned as I get older. I’ve identified things that I feel as though I did wrong. I feel bad about them, but I don’t hold myself responsible at this point in time. I’m a different person now. And to know that I erred in certain ways and I feel sad about it is enough for me. The guilt is gone. 

Some seniors note that their life lessons at times come not from what they did right, but from what they felt they did wrong. They say that while they have had difficult or stressful experiences, they have learned important lessons from them and choose to focus on the lessons learned. They advise younger people not to make the same mistakes that they did.

Perhaps one way of coming to terms with regrets is to share wisdom with others about what has been learned from these life experiences with the hope of helping them avoid these same mistakes.

How do you let go of regrets?

Mrs. D can’t remember that her grandchildren just visited her yet her spirits are unusually high and she retains a glow. Mrs. P struggles to remember what day it is but put her favorite music on and she lights up and sings along with it.

Memory does become less reliable as we age, but memory loss seems to get a bad rap. Certainly it is troublesome to those experiencing it and perhaps even more so to those around. As a society, we seem to accept physical ailments more easily than mental ones. Our minds are supposed to stay intact. According to a 2010 survey, people over 55 dread getting Alzheimer’s more than any other disease.

Margaret Gullette, a prominent writer on issues of aging, describes our worrying about memory loss as “a national pastime”. She notes that “this epidemic of anxiety around memory loss is so strong that many older adults seek help for the kind of day-to-day forgetfulness that was once considered normal.” She also points to the upside: forgetting old rancors.

Many assume memory loss means loss of function and emotion. After all, if you can’t remember an experience, how can you retain its impact on you? Yet researchers are finding the opposite. Recent research on recall suggests that people who have difficulties with short-term memory are able to retain the emotions they experienced that accompanied an event even when they cannot remember the event.

If you have a happy encounter with someone who is labeled as demented, that person may forget that you visited but retain a happy feeling for some time. This means that phone calls and visits to a loved one with failing memory can really matter, even if the person doesn’t remember that the call or visit happened.

Music also triggers emotions and memories. We all know how songs from our youth can transport us back to a particular time and place. Those who work with folks with Alzheimer’s often respond to music but only recently have researchers begun to understand how that works.

Petr Janata, associate professor of psychology at UC Davis’ Center for Mind and Brain, demonstrated scientifically that music brings back memories. He then studied why this happens and found that the front of the brain where memories are supported and retrieved is the same place that links music, memories and emotions. Because this part of the brain is one of the last areas to be affected by Alzheimer’s disease and presumably other forms of memory loss, music is powerful therapy.

This helps explain why we at Stevenson House see such joy when seniors get together to sing.

A geriatric social worker I recently met reminded me of the following important insight: Forgetfulness is a relative notion that affects only certain parts of the brain, and certainly not the heart.

A guest post by Jane L. David.

“My head is full of holes. I can’t remember anything anymore.” These are words frequently spoken by my mother as she approaches 94.

Memory becomes less reliable as we age. Lots of remembered experiences and information remain stashed away in our brains but we lose the ability to access that information. That’s why going to a room and forgetting why you’re there can sometimes be recovered if you retrace your steps.

For my mom, however, declining memory is a more serious problem. She can ask a question, hear an answer, and within a minute or two repeat the question because she does not remember that she asked it or that it was answered.

For someone who spent many years as a reference librarian, this is particularly distressing. But she is among the fortunate. Unlike many with Alzheimer’s, her memory loss has not affected her personality nor recognition of family and friends. Still, it has dramatically affected what she can do. She struggles to read because reading requires following a storyline or train of thought. Similarly, she finds watching a movie frustrating and sustaining a conversation difficult.

Yet she manages quite well thanks to her desire to remain independent, systems she and our family have set up, plus scheduled activities and support at Stevenson House.

She is able to track her medications because she has a system she began before her memory was so poor. All her pills are lined up on one shelf in the bathroom with a list above for what to take in the morning and in the evening. She fills her morning and her evening pillboxes before breakfast every day and puts one where she eats and the other in her pants’ pocket so it will be with her wherever she has dinner.

Her calendar is crucial. She crosses off days to keep track of time—and uses the daily newspaper to confirm the day. With help from family, she makes sure to enter every upcoming appointment and activity in the calendar. In the evening, with reminders from family, she makes a large note for any event for the next day and posts it on a chair she will see from her bed in the morning.

She keeps her apartment keys and her purse in the same place so she can always find them and has regularly scheduled coffee and meals every day. She has posted notes with reminders about daily routines from brushing her teeth to drinking enough water.

These examples mirror findings from researchers and advice from experts. Systems and routines are essential. Family and friends can help set them up and offer reminders. More information on the causes of memory loss and what to do can be found on the National Institute of Aging’s website.

Spending time with my mother is teaching us important life lessons: how to be with someone in the moment. We are learning to avoid asking questions that rely on memory (as almost all do) and to repeat things over and over again calmly, without communicating impatience. And she is learning that it’s still possible to have fun. We listen to music, play games, and laugh—and eat chocolate.

Jane L. David is the daughter of a Stevenson House senior resident and a long-time resident of Midtown. She is slowly retiring from a career as an education researcher.

A guest blog by Beth Colehower.

Vision is one of those things that changes as we get older. What is encouraging is that there are tools and resources available so that these changes don’t have to compromise a person’s lifestyle. My grandma was a glowing example of how low vision tools and lifestyle adjustments helped her continue to live independently.

My grandma lived in her own studio apartment above two art galleries in Taos, New Mexico, until she passed away at 91. She loved the independence of living on her own and absolutely loved her studio! It was her home in every sense. She would host rooftop parties regularly, or when weather would not permit instead would gather people around her kitchen island, the “bar” as we called it, to discuss politics, local events, global issues or anything currently on her mind. She always wanted to connect people.

In her later years, she developed cataracts as well as age-related macular degeneration. It became increasingly difficult for her to see, but she continued to make the necessary adjustments that worked for her so that she could stay in her studio. She had a number of magnifying glasses to use as needed, and made sure to keep critical information in binders she could easily get to. She also had dots on the stove and oven to confirm where the on/off positions were. Throughout her home she kept large yellow writing pads with black sharpies for her to make notes and lists she could still read. We still have a number of these, and I love sitting down to read—in her own writing—her copious notes.

One of the most beneficial resources she found was the Library of Congress. Their National Library Service for the Blind and Physically Handicapped provided her with specialized playback equipment and books, catalogs and magazines all on tape, regularly shipped to her for free! As an avid reader, this ability to choose from a broad collection of titles made the adjustment to not reading much easier. It’s a fantastic program.

My grandmother knew she wanted to stay in her home, and used whatever tools she had available to her to continue to do the things she most enjoyed. She still needed help for certain tasks and errands (as we all do), but these tools were critical to her overall independence.

There are a number of residents at Stevenson House who have experienced a range of changes to their vision. We work at making adjustments to the apartments and the community to enhance the functionality and support independent living. These include using contrasting colors where possible to increase visibility, lighting considerations and other universal design elements. Through the generosity of the Palo Alto Host Lions Club we have been able to provide a state-of-the-art low-vision reader in one of our libraries that enlarges print and manipulates the presentation based on a user’s needs and preferences.

An exceptional resource we have locally is the Vista Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired. I can’t say enough good things about the staff and volunteers at Vista Center! They fully embrace their mission of “empowering individuals who are blind or visually impaired to embrace life to the fullest by serving individuals of all ages who are threatened by loss of independence due to moderate or severe vision impairment.”

With their two locations in Palo Alto and Santa Cruz, they serve people living in San Mateo, Santa Clara, Santa Cruz and San Benito Counties. I recently visited their Palo Alto center near California Avenue and was impressed by the wide variety of products that provide practical solutions for adapting to life with vision loss. My grandmother would have loved the bold-line pads of paper and easy-to-read 20/20 felt tip pens that don’t bleed through like her sharpies use to. They have talking clocks, large print calendars and address books, “bump dots” used to mark keys on a computer keyboard or the on/off buttons on household appliances (like my grandma used), a wide range of magnifiers, large print games and a number of other smart tools.

Their website offers a wealth of information about all their programs and services, including their low vision clinic, health library and active youth group. You can call them in Palo Alto at 650-858-0202 or Santa Cruz at 831-426-6233 to see about meeting with an experienced social services staff member, either at your home or in a mutually convenient location, to get connected with the appropriate Vista Center services. During this visit they can also inform you about community resources that can assist you. I wish I could have shared the innovations I found at the Vista Center with my grandma, and am grateful that they are able to help others in our community learn about living modifications that can be made to support a person’s independence despite low vision.

Beth Colehower grew up in Palo Alto, and has been working with Stevenson House for the past few years.

A paradigm shift is taking place, promoted by the vast numbers of aging boomers. The numbers are astounding: every 8 seconds, for the next 18 years, a baby boomer turns 65. AND, baby boomers see aging through a different lens than their predecessors. For them—and for many others—life after 60 or 65 (or 70 or 75) is not a period of mental and physical decline and of disengagement. Rather, it is an opportunity for growth and fulfillment.

This shift, it follows, requires a parallel shift in the minds of those who design and run “retirement” homes and housing for older adults. The emphasis needs to migrate from a model of care, entertainment and security to one of encouragement of personal growth.

Aging Services of California, representing more than 400 nonprofit providers of senior living services, publishes a monthly magazine titled Agenda which has educational and often inspiring articles related to these changes. In the last two issues, I have found articles discussing healthy aging, longevity and commonly accepted myths about the aging process to be particularly interesting.

Research studies on aging and on the human brain have helped to deflate many of the assumptions on aging of previous generations. Drawing on an eight-decade long Stanford University study called “The Longevity Project”, UC Riverside health researchers Howard S. Friedman, PhD and Leslie R. Martin, PhD made some startling discoveries about healthy aging. For instance, many of the 1,500 children studied were likely to remain healthy, not because of their family history or because they were given a list of dos and don’ts, but rather because they associated with other healthy people, and were influenced by their lifestyles. Indicators of a longer life tended to be good close friends, a happy marriage and a feeling of being productive. You can read more about Friedman and Martin’s findings in their book The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study.

Other studies emphasize the potential for intellectual growth in later life. All of these studies are telling us that services for older adults, whether in a private home or in multi-family housing or in a communal / institutional setting need to include a social component and a broad range of opportunities for engagement and growth.

Our emphasis here at Stevenson House is, of course, on providing a safe, clean and attractive home for our residents. Additionally, however, and just as important for the overall mental and physical health of our residents, we are working at providing better opportunities for social engagement that includes not only the Stevenson House community, but the broader community as well. What opportunities for senior engagement have you found making a positive impact in our community?

When you meet an older person, especially one in his or her middle 80s to late 90s, do you have the tendency to unintentionally think “old” rather than “accomplished”?

Recently two seniors closely related to Stevenson House passed away. Mrs. B. who died in mid-July at age 90 was 85 when I met her for the first time. Mr. S. died in late June at age 99, and was 94 when I first met him. By the time I met them, both were very frail and Mr. S. was totally blind.

In preparing to speak at their memorial services, I came across some pleasant surprises. Of course there was the human side. Mrs. B. loved to dance, especially square dance. She dated Billy, one of her first throbs, and explored on the back of his motorcycle. Mr. S. was thin as a rail, but loved to eat, tell spicy jokes, and play the clarinet.

Both also had rich professional and civic lives that had an impact. Mrs. B. went back to school after her two children were older and earned her master’s degree in Social Work. She fought for an increased supply of low and moderate income housing and health care for all, and specialized in helping abused children and fostering child development.

When I first met him, Mr. S. regaled me with stories of his youth and of the founding of Stevenson House, of which he was the first president. Among so many other accomplishments of this “old man”, are these: PhD in Theoretical Physics from MIT; staff scientist at SRI International; president of the Acoustical Society of America; and chair of the Palo Alto Senior Coordinating Council (now Avenidas).

I encourage intergenerational programs here at Stevenson House so that younger and older generations have the opportunity to learn from each other. I tell the youngsters from the local elementary and middle schools who visit Stevenson House to be prepared not only to meet people who were present at events that these students are reading about in their textbooks, but people who played a part in creating this history. When you walk onto the Stevenson House property, you come face to face with over 11,000 years of experience, wisdom and knowledge.  Fasten your seatbelts.

A close friend of Mrs. B. put it best by pointing to the true value of our seniors:

We had a sharing of hearts that went deeper than many relationships go. I grew to love her deeply. She had an open, simple and gentle heart which could be easily missed by those who don’t look closely. She was a good friend. I miss our talks.

May we all take the time to look closely.

A guest post by Jane L. David.

Many of us worry about aging family members falling. Even those of us in our 60s begin to sense changes in balance. I often find myself banging a hip on a doorframe that seems to have moved into my path or tripping and just catching myself.

For many older seniors the consequences of falling can mean the end of independence. That’s why doctors and caretakers and senior residences pay so much attention to minimizing the risk of falling. Grab bars in the bathroom, emergency response buttons, good lighting, no throw rugs—these all contribute.

My 93-year–old mother who has lived at Stevenson House for 5 years had not taken a spill at all until last Christmas. Stevenson House goes out of its way to ensure that all possible fall prevention practices are in place. But last Christmas my mother was at my house, not in her apartment.

I’ve observed two kinds of falls. One I call the slow tumble, which can result from bumping into something and will produce bruises or worse if hard objects are encountered on the way down. These falls are less likely to result in a broken hip but can still leave seniors unable to get up by themselves.

The other is tripping. When you trip, you hit the floor hard before you even know what happened. On her way to set the table (leaving her cane behind), my mother tripped and landed with a loud thump on the hardwood floor covered by a 5’x7’ rug that had become invisible to me. Even with a non-skid pad beneath, the edge of the rug was a disaster in the making.

My mother was lucky. After a night in the emergency room, doctors concluded her hip was badly bruised but not broken. Perhaps her early years as a dancer helped.

I drew three big lessons from this. One is that family and friends of seniors who host them in their homes need to be as careful about fall prevention as Stevenson House is for its seniors. My dining room rug now lives in the garage, and we remove smaller rugs when Mom visits.

Another is that someone who uses a cane should not carry things in both hands. My mother now uses a walker, which provides more stability than her cane did. But she still believes she can go short distances with both hands full. So a third lesson for me is vigilance—making sure Mom always has one hand free for holding on to a cane or something solid.

None of us can protect against every threat to balance, but some precautions are easy. The Center of Healthy Aging has some handy checklists and other resources.

Do you have your own tips or stories to share?

Jane L. David is the daughter of a Stevenson House senior resident and a long-time resident of Midtown. She is slowly retiring from a career as an education researcher.

A truly caring community is one where members look after each other, where people feel and show concern and empathy for one another. At Stevenson House, I see our senior residents helping each other every day, as well as helping others in the community.

Some of our residents work as crossing guards in the neighborhood to protect our seniors and the school children at Hoover Elementary School next door. Several residents volunteer to pick up lunches from La Comida for our residents and neighborhood seniors who eat lunch at Stevenson House. Many residents help out their less mobile neighbors with grocery shopping and other errands.

What is it about these folks, many of whom are frail themselves, who take on looking out for their neighbors? In fact, residents with challenging conditions from post-polio syndrome to early dementia are supported by other seniors who have reached out with their best interest at heart. It is this caring that allows so many of our residents to live independently longer than they would have imagined.

Caring communities do not spring up fully developed. They need a nurturing environment that includes multiple opportunities for residents to make connections. At Stevenson House we offer occasions for residents to develop relationships from communal meals and afternoon coffee klatches to book clubs and political discussion groups, to name a few.

But ultimately it is the residents who create the caring community through an abundance of empathy and willingness to lend a hand. These qualities rise above mental and physical frailties.

We are not alone in providing these opportunities for seniors. Palo Alto is particularly fortunate to have Avenidas, which provides an array of resources, services and activities for seniors. Moreover, their efforts to create Villages aim to build caring communities of seniors who choose to remain in their homes, modeled after the Beacon Hill Village in Boston.

At Stevenson House, we are always searching for ways to expand our reach out to local seniors as well as others of all ages in the community that we can benefit. Do you have any other ideas?

There is always a “to do” list that I take with me to the office each morning. More often than not, this list includes paperwork, reports, calls to return, responses to emails, letters, and on and on.

Yet, the seniors at Stevenson House are so much more important than paper and reports. I try to make sure that one of my top priorities is allowing time in my day to listen as seniors stop by my office to talk or find me throughout the property. While it makes getting my to-do list accomplished a bit more challenging, I find that many times the best way I can remind our seniors how important they are is to be available, listen to what is on their mind, take action where appropriate and let them know that I care.

I remember the small plane crash a year ago this past February that caused a daylong power outage. As I arrived at Stevenson House at about 8 a.m. that day, I remember the looks of fear and uncertainty in the eyes of the senior residents I met.  I also remember their look of relief as staff spoke to each senior, took charge, provided battery-powered lanterns and connected the TV to a generator so everyone could watch the news.

Somehow, miraculously, in the next few days, the paperwork was done, calls returned and reports filed on time. But, most importantly, our senior residents felt that someone cared about them.

I am hoping that through this blog all of us might share ways in which we’ve grasped the opportunity to respond to the older adults in our lives in a way that clearly demonstrates their value and the respect in which we hold them.

With age comes loss—of role, of health, of mobility, of someone willing to listen.  Let’s explore ways that we can—and do—reduce the pain of these losses, and touch on methods to emphasize the strengths and resources that the seniors in our lives still possess.

Perhaps, we might even be able to show how we are speaking not about “them,” but rather about “us,”

What do you think?